If you have a friend or family member who has received a cancer diagnosis, it’s totally normal to worry about saying the right thing. You want to be hopeful but not unrealistic. Sympathetic but not depressing. It can feel like a bit of a minefield.
Below is a list of some common phrases you may want to avoid when talking to a cancer patient. These are suggestions, not rules. Let your relationship with a patient be your ultimate guide. But avoiding inappropriate or potentially hurtful phrases can help everyone feel more comfortable during a difficult time.
1: “I know how you feel.”
It’s perfectly normal to want to sympathize with a person going through a hard time, especially if you are close to them. But a cancer patient may think you’re presumptuous for saying you know how they feel. Everyone has a unique experience with cancer.
Moreover, consider the subject of the phrase, “I know how you feel.” This phrase centers you, not the patient.
What you can say instead: Give a patient space to open up and discuss how they are feeling. You can ask, “How are you feeling?” or “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?” Some patients may say no. That’s okay. Talking about difficult feelings can be draining for people going through treatment.
2: “You can beat this.”
It’s probably a good idea to avoid words that frame cancer like a combat between a person and their own body. Words like “beat,” “fight” and “win” imply that those who “lose” don’t fight as hard as those who survive.
Granted, some people frame their own cancer experience in these terms. Mirroring their own language can be a good way to express sympathy for them.
What you can say instead: Language like “cancer journey” usually feels more neutral. It doesn’t impose a framework of battling and having to “win” against cancer.
3: “You inspire me.”
Cancer patients may find phrases like “You inspire me” alienating and burdensome. It can make the patient feel like they’re supposed to put on a brave face, even if they don’t feel brave. You’re unintentionally imposing a narrative of “being inspirational” on them.
For a person going through cancer treatment, feeling the added stress of needing to put on a brave face to inspire others can be exhausting.
What you can say instead: You can give people space to be less-than-perfect by acknowledging that they are going through a difficult time. You can say something like, “This isn’t going to be easy, but I’m here if you want to talk when you’re frustrated or need to vent.”
4: “You should consider this treatment.”
Who doesn’t love unsolicited medical advice, right? Seriously, though, patients may already feel overwhelmed by the treatments being provided by their care teams. Thinking a patient wants to hear about more options from someone unfamiliar with their diagnosis and prognosis is a big assumption.
What you can say instead: Follow the patient’s lead. Do they seem interested in learning about other treatments? If you really want to bring up this subject, you can ask permission to discuss it. Say something like, “Are you interested in hearing about a treatment I know of? Or would that be overwhelming right now?”
5: “Stay positive.”
Similar to telling someone they are “inspiring,” telling them to “stay positive” imposes a narrative on patients. This can cause patients to experience unnecessary guilt and shame when they feel down. Patients can feel a wide range of emotions and should be given the space to do so.
What you can say instead: Instead of telling the patient to be positive, you can offer some positivity yourself. Telling a joke or a funny story about you and the patient can help lighten the mood and take the pressure off the patient to provide positivity.
6: “How can I help?”
While this question is obviously well-intentioned, think about it this way: You’re asking a cancer patient to delegate tasks. For someone going through treatment and recovery, this add-on task can feel overwhelming. They may not have the emotional or physical energy to be a taskmaster.
What you can say instead: Avoid broad questions. You can identify ways to help and ask specific questions that put the role of planning on you. For example, “I’m going to the grocery store. Do you have a list you can send me?” Or, “I’ve got nothing going on this weekend. Can I take care of your dog?”
7: “But you’re okay now, right?”
You may want to avoid leading questions in general. This ties back to the idea that you do not know how a person is feeling. Leading questions like, “You’re okay, right?” and “How much better are you feeling today?” impose your wishes for a cancer patient onto them.
What you can say instead: Let patients tell their own stories. You can ask them, “How are you feeling about your experience?” And you should be okay with the possibility they may not want to talk about their experience, even if that makes you feel bad. Be receptive to however the patient is feeling on that particular day at that particular time.
Sources
Mental Health First Aid. What Not to Say to Someone with Breast Cancer.
Oprah Daily. What Not to Say to Someone with Cancer.
Free Mesothelioma Treatment Guide
Melanie Radliff writes content that aims to support mesothelioma patients’ physical and emotional well-being. She specializes in topics like mind-body practices, self-care, lifestyle and nutrition.
