Even without a mesothelioma cancer diagnosis, life can be hectic and stressful at times. Trying to balance family, career, and social obligations can be challenging. Add to that unexpected events like transportation problems or a minor illness and the stress levels can rise. Add a cancer diagnosis and life can be overwhelming! The chaos after the diagnosis is one of the first challenges most caregivers face. You may find yourself not knowing what to do or how to cope with all the choices and challenges confronting you. Here are a few tips to help deal with the chaos and stress of being a new caregiver.

Remember to Take Care of Yourself

Put your health first. Make sure you are getting plenty of rest and eating properly. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. Know you body and your limits. Try to exercise daily. Even a quick walk around the block can be refreshing and help reduce stress.

Get Organized

Use tools to organize and manage your time. You can reduce your stress by keeping all appointments and important information neat and organized. Use a notepad or computer to help. You can also use index cards to keep track of tasks that need to be done. They can be reordered as priorities change. Keep important information such as insurance forms, medical papers and medication lists easily accessible.

Prioritize

If you feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, start with tasks that have to be done sooner or are the greatest importance and work from there. Ignore all the unimportant stuff. Focus only on one thing at a time. Trying to do multiple things at once is less efficient and can add to stress levels and the feeling of chaos.

Ask for Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help or take offers of help.Ask family and friends to help when needed. Mobilize your support system and engage with the people around you. Many individuals say they would help if only they knew how. Be specific with your need and ways they can help. If anyone offers you help, take it. It’s one less thing for you to deal with, big or little, and it should remind you that you are loved and surrounded by people who care enough about you to help. It helps lower the stress levels too.

I hope these tips help. Next I’ll talk about what comes after the chaos of the diagnosis and the emotional challenges of being a caregiver.

Cams

Becoming a caregiver started the moment my wife was diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer. Like many others, my wife and I were not prepared for the news she had cancer. A little over three months prior to my wife’s cancer diagnosis, we had celebrated the birth of our only child, our daughter Lily. We had assumed we would be settling down to our new lives as parents, not dealing with a cancer diagnosis. The diagnosis shattered our lives.

Even before we left the doctor’s office, my responsibilities as a caregiver were becoming apparent. The doctor had informed us Heather had malignant pleural mesothelioma. He went on to explain a bit about the cancer and then gave us three choices of where we could go next to fight the cancer. My wife was in tears from the news she had cancer. She listened to the doctor’s three choices and was silent. I waited for her to ask a question; to say something, but she was silent and still stunned from the news. I looked into her eyes to see what she was thinking. The look in her eyes said “God help me!” I looked over at the doctor and said “Get us to Boston” and with that, I was a caregiver.

My wife and I had different reactions to her diagnosis. She was stunned and in a state of shock and disbelief for a little while. I was mad! Anger would be my primary emotion for months. This was not supposed to be happening to me. I was supposed to be celebrating the birth of my daughter and adapting to life with her, not dealing with cancer. My life went from predictability to chaos in a moment. I frequently found myself feeling overwhelmed and helpless. I had little control of my life. Of all the events I have ever experienced, this was the most uncomfortable and helpless I had ever felt, and anger was how I dealt with it all.

Anger, denial, bargaining—we all deal with stressful situations differently and being a caregiver can be very stressful. My anger was at its worst when my wife and I went to Boston for treatment under Dr. David Sugarbaker. When angry, I would lash out at all who were around. I lashed out to people who were trying to help and I have seen this in others. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who were trained to deal with anger in others. They had seen this before and I’m sure they have seen it since.

Be aware of your emotions and don’t let any one of them overwhelm or control you. I won’t pretend to be knowledgeable enough to offer any sure fire solution to overcome any overwhelming emotions. For me it took some patient people and time. I needed to time to realize my anger was so strong that it inhibited my ability to make decisions and it pushed those away who were trying to help. I felt like I couldn’t get anything done when I was angry, and it took a lot out of me. I hated how I lost control to anger.

While there are many things about my wife’s cancer that make me angry, I am no longer consumed by this emotion. I have made a decision to live not in fear, but to remind myself how precious each day is. I find I am both happier and more productive now that I am no longer in anger’s grasp. I hope that for all those who find themselves overwhelmed with anger, fear, denial, bargaining, or any other emotion that they find a way to move on. You will be happier and better prepared to be a caregiver and deal with all that life throws at you.

-Cams

Originally, I intended to write this post on a different subject. I had finished the article and asked my wife to proofread it. The article was about a trip I took when my wife and daughter were on vacation. I had taken some time to myself to cross an item off my bucket list while they were gone. My wife read the article and then commented she was glad I took the trip. She pointed out that too many caregivers do not take time out for themselves; they get so wrapped up and consumed caring for loved ones diagnosed with cancer that they fail to take care of their own needs. Which got me thinking – what does it mean to be a caregiver?

Honestly, I’m not sure I know the answer to that question; which may seem ironic. Yes, I should know. I took care of my wife after her cancer diagnosis – malignant plural mesothelioma. My wife Heather was diagnosed a little over three months after the birth of our only child, our daughter Lily. We went from starting a family to a cancer diagnosis all too quickly. I was in the doctor’s office when she was diagnosed, I was by her side at the hospital when she had surgery, and I watched over her while she went through radiation and chemotherapy. I was with her every step of the way, yet I am confounded by the term caregiver.

I know what it means to be a husband, a father, and a best friend, but the term caregiver still confuses me. Most people would define a caregiver as the unpaid loved ones who provide physical and emotional care to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. Caregivers may be spouses, partners, family members, or close friends and most often they are not trained for the job. Caregivers are there for their loved one 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for months or even years. As well as physical and emotional support, a caregiver may help with finances, travel, meals, shopping, cleaning, bathing, daycare, and more. Caring for someone with cancer takes time and money and far too often it takes a toll on the caregiver’s health and well-being. Caregiving is a hard job!

Over the next couple of months or so I’d like to explore my own experiences and observations as a caregiver and some of the more common challenges caregivers may face while helping a loved one with cancer. I’d like to discuss everything from dealing with the emotional stress of a cancer diagnosis to finances, legal issues, communication, and dealing with the health care system. I hope that by sharing my experiences as a caregiver I may help others who are caring for a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer. Caregivers who take care of their own needs, get the information, the help, and the support they need are better prepared to take care of their loved ones.

-Cams

Previously, I have written about how my wife Heather’s mesothelioma diagnosis has changed my outlook on life, how my values have been altered, and how I now look at life a little differently. This is something I have seen in many people and will be a topic of future blog posts. Today, I want to write about how my thoughts and feelings of past events have changed with time.

First a little history: My wife and I did not rush into starting a family. We spent over five years planning for the event. We had a checklist of things we wanted to get done to be prepared, everything from finances and finishing the nursery, to what time of year would work best to have a baby. We wanted to be as prepared as possible when our baby finally came, an event that I am convinced you never can be fully prepared for. We were as prepared as possible for the birth of our daughter, Lily. What we weren’t prepared for was Heather’s mesothelioma diagnosis a little over three months after the birth of our daughter.

We knew something was wrong after Lily’s birth. Heather has been losing weight and not feeling well. But, as time went on and the doctors ran test after test, it became obvious this wasn’t some common side effect of the pregnancy or the birth of our daughter. It was finally diagnosed as mesothelioma on November 21, a day I will never forget. Heather and I were supposed to be celebrating the holidays with our family and daughter; instead we were getting ready to travel to Boston for treatment with Dr. David Sugarbaker and an uncertain future.

Heather’s family had flown into town to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with us before we headed to Boston. Needless to say it was difficult to celebrate the holidays with the mesothelioma diagnosis hanging over Heather. We had our holiday meal and then after the meal we all sat down to discuss how Heather’s family was going to help us through this difficult time. I had been dreading this for days. For years, this conversation was the single worst moment for me after Heather’s mesothelioma diagnosis.

Everything from a detailed review of our finances and assets to childcare for Lily was discussed. I sat there listening to Heather’s family discuss which of our bills and financial obligations they would help with to what assets we had that we could liquidate to help keeps our heads above water. Heather and I were both working before Lily’s birth. But with the mesothelioma diagnosis and traveling to Boston for treatment, the expenses were increasing and our income was dwindling. As I sat there listening, I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness and despair.

For five years we had been planning for the birth of our daughter and now everything was beyond my control. I felt ashamed and embarrassed about our lives. I hated to have to open up about our finances to family. It was during this conversation that more than ever I felt like I was a passenger in my life. I had lost all control. I would rather have walked naked through a major shopping mall on Black Friday then be at that table. The feelings were so bad that for years after I would get nauseous just thinking about that day. But why?

Having had years to think about what is important to me after Heather’s diagnosis, I realize why that day means so much more to me. What I wasn’t seeing while I was sitting at the table being ashamed and feeling overwhelmed was the fact that I was surrounded by family, who on a moments notice dropped everything to be by our side. Family that was willing to help us out in any way the could. While my pride and hubris blinded me to this fact for years, it is something that I can see very clearly now. Since that day, Heather and I have been overwhelmed by all the support we received from family and friends, as well as complete strangers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. To all the people who have touched our lives and helped us out when we really needed it. And a very special thank you to Heather's family, we will never forget what you have done for us.

A diagnosis of cancer is sure to shatter anyone’s world. My wife, Heather, and I are no different. When Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma in November of 2005, our lives were turned upside down. Many of the changes we experienced could have been expected. Heather’s diagnosis brought chaos and uncertainty. We could plan a week or two in advance at best. Our lives revolved around hospital visits and tests. We became familiar with the inside of several hospitals and medical terminology. I was only working periodically between trips to the hospital and spending time with family. Our daily routine was destroyed.

After awhile, the chaos started to subside-- Heather’s surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation were an outstanding success. My fears about Heather’s health had diminished. Trips to the hospital became less frequent and Heather was getting stronger every day. As the chaos cleared, it became apparent I was no longer the same person I was pre-cancer diagnosis. My values had changed.

I no longer place an emphasis on items that can be replaced. If something can be bought or built, it can be replaced. It‘s the things I can’t replace that I value. Friendship, love, and family just to name a few. One of the results of my new values is a greater emphasis on holidays and tradition. Heather and I have even started our own family tradition called Lungleavin' Day. It is a celebration of life every February 2nd, the day Heather had her extrapleural pneumonectomy surgery. We surround ourselves with friends and family, write our fears on plates and smash them in a bonfire.

Another one of the changes are rings. I have started to wear rings. I currently wear four rings and yes, one is a skull ring. Each ring serves as a reminder of something that is important to me. I love the fact that throughout the day, every time I look at my hands and see my rings, they remind me of things I find important and value.

One is an anniversary gift Heather got for me that reminds me of her love and our time together. I have one that is a motorcycle tire – for my love of riding motorcycles, a passion that borders on an obsession at times. Of course I wear my wedding ring. Not only does this ring remind me of Heather, but I also think about our daughter Lily whenever I look at it. It reminds me of family and commitment. And right next to my wedding band is a skull ring.

I’ve wanted a skull ring for some time now. Heather found this one for me when she was visiting her family in South Dakota. Yes, it came from Sturgis. I don’t wear a skull ring because of its macabre nature or because I am leather clad biker. I wear a skull ring as a reminder that life is short and every moment needs to be lived to the fullest. I wear it as a reminder to treat each day as a gift and to take nothing for granted. I find it comforting whenever I reach for a glass of water, or pick up a pen, or type on the keyboard, whenever I look at my hands, there are my rings. Reminding me of what I value and to live each and every day to the fullest.

Ever have one of those days-- a day where it seems everything goes wrong? For me, that happens whenever I fly. It happens so often that I no longer look forward to flying. It wasn’t always this way-- as a kid I loved to fly. I loved flying so much that I learned to fly a small aircraft, hang gliders, and I have even parachuted. However, commercial airline flight is a completely different beast. Commercial flight is something I almost fear. It has become an exercise in stress and anger management. Take my most recent flight as an example--

It started when I went to check out of the hotel and print my boarding pass on the computer in the hotel conference center. The printer was busted. No problem I thought, I still have plenty of time to drop the rental car off and still make it to the airport in time to make my flight. I packed my luggage in the trunk and headed out to drop off the rental car. When I arrived, they were unable to find a record for the car they gave me. It was, according to their records, supposed to be in another state. I produced a copy of my receipt showing the car clearly listed. The manager quickly appeared and assured me he would correct the issue a quickly as possible, which took another 20 minutes. No problem, I still have plenty of time.

At the airport, it was wait in line to print my boarding pass. Then wait in another to check my baggage. And wait in yet another to go through security. And I never feel “secure” when I go through a security checkpoint. It’s just another one of the many hassles of flying. Take off your shoes and belt. Remove rings and watch. Make sure you don’t have any keys or change in your pockets. Take your laptop out of the bag. Take you coat and hat off. Just to wait in another line to go through the scanner just to put everything back on once you have passed through. Then it’s off to find my gate and get some breakfast before my flight. I still had plenty of time.

While waiting for my flight it was announced that the flight was both overbooked and delayed due to mechanical issue. The airlines offered a $400 travel voucher to anyone who was willing to be bumped to the next flight, which left in 2 hours. I jumped at the chance and immediately signed up on the list. I figured I would get home 2 hours later, have a $400 travel voucher. Plus, the flight I was scheduled to leave on was having mechanical problems, who knows how long it will take to fix, how could I go wrong? I was bumped to the next flight. As a perk, I was given a seat in the emergency exit row, extra legroom. Great, things were starting to go my way.

The flight I had just been bumped from was fixed in under 15 minutes. My new flight was also delayed for mechanical reasons and overbooked. It took them over 2 hours to fix the plane. And once I got on the plane, things got worse.

For starters, every one from flight crew had to ask me if I was capable of performing the duties required to sit in an emergency exit row. Actually, I was asked twice before I even enter the plane. I found this funny because I looked like an Olympic athlete compared with the two people sitting next to me. Apparently they wanted to be sure. Then, the child sitting in the seat behind me couldn’t stop kicking the back of my seat. I had seen him and his parents while I was waiting for the flight. They were feeding him energy drinks and chocolate candy bars right before the flight. Now he was practicing his karate kicks on the back of my chair. I thought about saying something to his parents, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Containing that much caffeine and chocolate-fueled energy was like trying to stop a volcano from blowing-- impossible.

To make my flight even less enjoyable, the woman on the left of me was a talker. Just couldn’t stop talking. I was hoping to grab a nap on the flight, but the kid behind me made sure that wasn’t going to happen. Kick, kick, kick. This was going to be a long flight. And not only was the woman next to me a talker, she got out a pen and note pad so she could take notes on our conversation. Whoa, too weird-- I’ve been interviewed before but never by the person sitting next to me on a flight.

About 2 hours into the flight we hit turbulence, which didn’t bother me at all. The same can’t be said of the child in the seat behind me. Apparently energy drinks and chocolate when combined with rough air are as difficult to contain as a volcano. He didn’t even come close to grabbing the airsickness bag. I knew I shouldn’t have stuffed my coat under my seat. Great, now my jacket is covered in vomit, the woman next to me won’t stop talking and the kid who just puked was starting to cry because he feels sick. Typical flight.

After we arrive I find out my luggage is lost. At least this time my luggage didn’t get more frequent flyer miles then I did, it was just misplaced. Still took them another hour to find it. Yup, I hate to fly. It’s the worst. And just when I start thinking this has been the worst day ever I am reminded that it doesn’t even come close to some of the worst days I have had.

My flight, as bad as it was, was nothing compared to the day the doctor told my wife and I that she had mesothelioma cancer. It was nothing compared to the flights my wife and I took to Boston to see Dr. David Sugarbaker for treatment. Nor could all the time I spent waiting in lines at the airport compare to waiting in the hospital for hours and hours to hear from a doctor how my wife was doing during surgery. As bad as this flight was, it was nothing compared to what a diagnosis of cancer feels like. So, every time I think I am having a bad day, I just remember how bad some of the days I have experienced have been. And no matter how bad things get, they can always get worse. And with that being said, I’m looking forward to my next flight. I’m sure it will give me something to complain about until I step back and put everything into perspective.

Actually I’m not mad, but I wanted to talk a little bit about cancer and anger. Anger is listed as the second of the five stages of grief, a hypothesis first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now I should start by saying I have never read On Death and Dying. Honestly, I haven’t given much thought to these stages. I am familiar enough with the book to know that Kübler-Ross states that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Her hypothesis also holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses, nor will everyone who does experience them in any particular order. For me, I went straight to anger and stayed there much longer than I would have liked.

I have met many people whose lives have been touched by mesothelioma cancer, and almost all have had to deal with anger in some form. For me, anger hit when my wife and I went to Boston for her treatment. Our orientation to the hospital’s mesothelioma program consisted of us and other patients in a conference room filled with doctors, nurses, and support personnel. Some of the first people we met were a priest, a pastor, and a social worker/grief counselor. I should have been comforted knowing the hospital had such a diverse and well rounded staff. Instead I was furious. I felt like everyone I was meeting was preparing me for my wife losing her battle with cancer. This was a possibility I just wasn’t ready to face.

My anger manifested itself by reducing me to a stream of language so foul that it embarrasses me just to think about it. I could have made even the most seasoned sailor blush. And to think this was in the presence of a priest and a pastor. Not a high point in my dealing with my wife’s mesothelioma diagnosis. Sooner or later most people have to deal with anger and, many times, that anger gets the best of you at least for a while.

I must admit that I had a bit of a “fiery” temper in my youth. This might have something to do with my red hair. Since then I have become more of an analytical person. I now usually use my scientific teachings to evaluate each situation and then weigh the risks and rewards. After evaluating the situation, I then make an informed decision and move forward. When my wife was first diagnosed with mesothelioma, we were presented with three choices for treatment. My wife was struck with disbelief at the diagnosis. She was unable to make any decisions in the moment and needed time for the news to sink in. Without missing a beat, I was able to make a decision and I said "get us to Boston". One of the best mesothelioma doctors, Dr. David Sugarbaker, is in Boston and it was where my wife was going to undergo the most drastic form of treatment available to her. This is more typical of how I handle tough situations.

When I was overwhelmed with anger, I lashed out at all who were around. I lashed out to people who were trying to help and I have seen this in others. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who are trained to deal with anger in others. They had seen this before and I’m sure they have seen it since. This isn’t always the case. I bring this up because if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with mesothelioma, be prepared to deal with anger. I won’t pretend to be knowledgeable enough to offer any sure fire solution to overcome your anger. For me it took some patient people and time. I needed to time to realize my anger was so strong that it inhibited my ability to make decisions. It pushed those away who were trying to help. I felt like I couldn’t get anything done when I was angry, and it took a lot out of me. In short, I hated how I felt when I was angry.

I was able to move beyond anger. I have gone back from time to time to visit, but I don’t stay long. Anger never brings out the best in us. I have met people who have dealt very well with anger and other who are still angry at the loss of a loved one almost a decade later. The people who are unable to get beyond anger are always unhappy and unpleasant to be around.

While there are many things about my wife’s cancer that I am angry about, I’m no longer consumed by this emotion. I have made a decision to live not in fear, but to treat each day as special, a gift. I also use my time and energy to work toward an asbestos free world and better treatments for mesothelioma. I find I am both happier and more productive now that I am no longer in anger’s grasp, and I hope that for all those who find themselves overwhelmed with anger, that they find a way to move on to a happier more productive emotion.

Father’s Day -- for many reasons, Father’s Day has always been a bit of an “odd” holiday for me. Firstly, while growing up, Father’s Day was not celebrated with the same enthusiasm as Mother’s Day. This isn’t to say my father was less important than my mother; it’s just that my mother liked to celebrate more than my father. Mother’s Day was a big deal, Father’s Day was just sort of… there. Mother’s Day had flowers, chocolate candies, and fine clothing; we went out to eat. Father’s day had wallets, bad ties and cheap cologne. We ate at home.

I didn’t marry until into my thirties. From early adulthood until that time, the ongoing joke with all my single friends (which was pretty much all my friends) was that Father’s Day was the day you went to the mailbox with fear. Yes, bad joke I know. But, since we weren’t fathers ourselves, we mocked the holiday. It wasn’t until I got married that Father’s Day started to take on a new meaning.

The first Father’s Day card I received was when my wife, Heather, was pregnant with our daughter Lily. I remember talking about children with Heather on our first date. I knew I wanted to be a parent and wanted very much to have a daughter. We waited 6 years before we started our family. We even had a checklist of things to do so we would be better prepared to be parents. Funny, because I think you are never really prepared for the first child. And in no way was I prepared for my wife being diagnosed with cancer three months after Lily was born.

I have always been one to prepare for the worst and hope for the best in life. So when Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer, I had think about and prepare for the worst. For me, that was losing my wife and being a single parent. This thought terrified me. It wasn’t the dirty diapers, cooking, cleaning, or laundry that scared me; these things I could handle (honestly, Lily wouldn’t be dressed nearly as well and her hair wouldn’t look as nice). It was teaching Lily to be a woman that terrified me.

That fear is actually kind of funny because I have 7 sisters and my wife has a sister. They are, and will continue to be, wonderful role models for our daughter Lily. We also have 2 cats and 2 dogs, all of which are female. It seems like I have been surrounded all my life by females, but the thought of raising Lily on my own still scares me because I don’t know how to teach her to be a woman. Silly, because I am surrounded by many great women who I can turn to for help if I need it (Who said fears were rational?).

Today, Heather is doing very well and Father’s Day has taken on a new meaning. I have come to realize that Father’s Day is a celebration honoring fathers and celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society. But I also find myself thinking about what if… what it could have been like if I ended up being a single father. How my life could have been different if Heather would have lost her battle with cancer. So on this Father’s Day I want to say thank you to my wife, daughter and family for helping me become the father I am today.

My wife has often commented she can't imagine what I went through after her mesothelioma diagnosis. I have only really talked to her once about my experiences as a caregiver and with this I hope to share more.

A Shocking Diagnosis

Three months prior to her diagnosis we celebrated the birth of our first and only child; our daughter Lily. We went from a time of great joy and promise to a period of fear and uncertainty. I can remember the day the doctors said “mesothelioma” for the first time. I remember looking into my wife’s eyes as she was crying from the news thinking,

"how are we ever going to get through this?"

I was feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of breaking down, when suddenly, the doctors questions about future medical choices brought me back to reality. That was the first of many days in which I would feel emotionally overwhelmed and still be required to make difficult life decisions with my wife.

Hardships & Sacrifices

Immediately following the diagnosis I was full of rage, anger and fear. At times, I was reduced to communicating with others by using only profanity. This included members of the Church and medical community. Fortunately, with time I was able to control my emotions a little bit better. I realized I had to be strong for my wife and daughter. They were depending on me. I had my moments, but I always tried to be strong when I was around my wife. I never wanted her to see my fears. I needed to be her rock, a source of optimism and stability. As with many things, this is easier said than done.

Right after the diagnosis there were many days where I had an impossibly long to-do list. I had to deal with everything, from work and travel arrangements, to caring for our daughter and pets. At first I was overwhelmed but I quickly learned to prioritize and focus on the most important tasks. I also learned to accept the many offers of help we received from others. We were blessed to have so many people offer to help during this time. I am not sure what I would have done without all these wonderful people in our lives. However, even with all of the help, I still felt overcome with the responsibilities at times.

There was a two-month period in particular that Heather can’t imagine what I went through. It was directly following her surgery in Boston. Heather had flown to South Dakota to spend time with her parents, recovering from the surgery and preparing for the next phase of treatment, chemotherapy and radiation. Our daughter was also staying with Heather’s parents while I was home, working and trying to keep our heads above water. During this time I only saw Heather and Lily once.

One Friday after work, I drove the 11 hours through the night, in the middle of a late season snowstorm to see them. I slept a few hours in the car, hoping the snowplows would have time to clear the roads. When I arrived Saturday morning I was exhausted. I spent the rest of Saturday and a little time on Sunday morning with them before hopping back in the car and driving the 11 hours back home to be at work Monday morning.

No Regrets

While it was extremely difficult for me to be away from my wife and daughter, I never look at this time as a loss. Instead, I realize it was the choice that made the most sense. There was no way I would have been able to take care of Lily and work at the same time. I don’t look back at this, or any of the other difficult choices we made with regret. I accept them as things we needed to do. The cancer diagnosis forced us to make many difficult choices, but I took comfort in the fact that we could still make choices.

If I learned anything during this difficult time it was to accept the offers of help from others, and to take comfort in the fact that having the ability make choices, although extremely challenging, was a way for us to maintain a level of control during a time of such uncertainty.